Category: humour


A few interesting things have happened in the past week or so…

Shortly after writing my last entry, I found out that I was approved for food stamps, and that I’ll be getting way more money than I typically spend on groceries. So I guess I’ll be living large. Except that over a week later, my card still hasn’t come in the mail. I keep putting off grocery shopping, because why spend a bunch of money on food when you have a card full of money on the way? Today I finally had to break down and buy a few things so I could make a meal or two. Hopefully before I run out of leftovers my card will come and I can do a real shopping. Fingers crossed.

I spent most of the day this past Sunday watching the new season of Arrested Development, and I wasn’t disappointed. It’s not as laugh-out-loud funny as previous seasons, but the plot is so dense and everything is so interconnected. It’s probably going to take several re-watches to catch everything, there are just so many little details and references. I was a bit worn out after a nearly all-day marathon, so I spent most of Monday trying to be productive, going on little walks and trying to get fresh air and exercise.

On Wednesday I had not one, but two job interviews. First up was Alan’s Pawn – they’re looking for a “musical instrument specialist.” I saw an ad on Craigslist but they never mentioned the business. I sent a resume and a cover letter talking about all of my music experience and knowledge. The interview went pretty well – they seemed to like me and gave me every indication that they plan on hiring me. They had me do a criminal background check and a drug test, and said that when the results are in we can go from there. It will be about 42-45 hours a week, with Sunday counting as an overtime day. They asked what my minimum salary expectation would be, and I said I could probably be comfortable with $9 an hour. They told me they would be able to beat that, and after the drug test and background check they would be able to make me an exact offer. After 90 days I would be eligible for commission on any sales, so that plus 5-10 hours of time-and-a-half would mean a pretty sweet paycheck. It’s not exactly my ideal job, but I have enough knowledge of musical instruments to sell them, and for that kind of money I can’t really refuse.

My other interview was at Pet Supermarket. It’s the kind of job that could help me in the long run with becoming a veterinary assistant, because it would give me more experience with and working knowledge of things like pet foods, medicines, and basic pet care. But on the other hand, it’s your basic shitty retail job. Chances are it wouldn’t pay much above minimum, and there probably wouldn’t be any incentive to advance. The final part of the interview was one of those self evaluations, which I never seem to do very well on, so chances are they won’t offer me a job anyway. But at least I know that all of my applying and dropping off resumes hasn’t been in vain.

So basically now I just wait to hear back from Alan’s and hope this is a move that pays off. In the meantime, I signed up to volunteer at the Humane Society. I have my volunteer orientation this Saturday. Also on Saturday is an opening at Zapow. Even though I don’t have any pieces for the show, it would be the first opening that I can attend as a member artist, so I’ll definitely go. I’m also just about finished with my online class – one lesson and the final exam left. I’ve been kinda procrastinating, but I have nothing at all to do tomorrow so I’ll probably finish it up then. And that’s basically what’s going on in the life of me. The End.

 

It’s nearly 2:00 am. I’ve just returned from Katie’s apartment. She has four cats, and her roommate and her roommate’s boyfriend both smoke in the house. I haven’t been able to breathe for quite some time and I itch all over. I just took a Benadryl. What better time to finally write my review of the past year?

Yeah. I’ll make this quick.

This year was pretty eventful. In January I got out of a long-term relationship. I’ve spent the past year chronicling my dating life, which has been mostly humorous. I seem to have found someone who isn’t interested in stupid games, but this post is about 2012, not this year.

It was a year of loss. In February I lost my grandfather on my dad’s side, three months to the day that my grandmother on my mom’s side passed away. In September I lost my other grandmother. I drove to Fayetteville for my grandfather’s funeral and saw how completely and utterly insane my family is. I decided to stay far away when my grandmother passed. In the interim, my aunt has severed all ties with everyone else in my family. She even un-friended us all on Facebook. Is it possible to “un-family” someone? Holidays haven’t quite been the same since then. I’m pretty glad I live on the other side of the state from her and the other nutcases I’m somehow related to.

On a professional level, 2012 was a year of triumph. In late 2011 I set a personal goal that by my birthday I would have my art career off the ground. I bested that goal by several months, putting together a website, a Facebook page, a shop, getting business cards printed up, and being booked for my first solo show in Asheville by the end of April. My show started in August and ended up running for over two months. I sold a lot of prints and an original. In November I was booked for a group show, and while that ended up being a disaster thanks to the complete unprofessionalism of the “gallery,” it was still something. Not only this, but I was given a raise and promotion at the art supply store, enabling me to quit the gas station, gain an extra day off, and not lose any pay. On this end of things, I really have nothing to complain about.

A lot else happened. I got sick a few times. I most certainly did damage to my liver. We survived another election campaign. Justin Bieber still exists.

In the end, it was like any other year. It had its share of ups and downs. I met new people and watched old friendships dissolve. I laughed and had good times. I got my heart broken. You win some, you lose some. But returning to the world of blogging has helped me to keep things in perspective a little better, and be the introspective sonofabitch I was designed to be. So far 2013 is off to a smashing start – a potential new girlfriend, a new roommate, a new bank account. But like any other year, there will inevitably be low points ahead. That’s really about all you can say about life. I made it through another year, and this new year will be one hell of a ride. Life is a journey, not a destination. I’m not sure if that was Coleridge or Aerosmith, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is that the Benadryl is kicking in. The End.

 

Chris’s Election Predictions

Based on the various polls, the blogs I read, and my own observations, here’s what I think is likely to happen tonight. Check back soon and see how well I did!

 

1. Obama will narrowly lose the popular vote, but win the Electoral College. In the wake of Sandy, enough people in NY and NJ will stay home, causing the total number of Obama votes to drop. But both of those states are so solidly in his column that it won’t affect the EC.

2. Early on, NC will be in the “too close to call” column. In the wee hours when all the votes have been counted it will go to Romney, but not by a big margin.

3. OH, NH, NV, and PA will be such huge Obama landslides that everyone wonders why they were ever called “battleground” states to begin with.
4. FL, CO, and VA will break very slightly to Obama.

5. The major networks will spend a lot of time talking about accusations of voter fraud in FL and OH, but not much will come of it.

6. Obama will win big, with something to the tune of 303 electoral votes. Republicans will be the ones whining about the EC this time out. “Good riddance Mittens” will be the new marketing slogan that takes the country by storm. Joe Biden will be seen ironically sporting a Romney hat and a very large flag pin.

Alright, game on!

Things have still been kinda crazy around here. I’m a little behind on my homework (it feels really weird to say that after all these years) and I’ve been spending entirely too much time hanging out with friends and neighbors. But it’s all good – this whole social life thing might be foreign to me but I have a feeling it’s somewhat healthy.

Last night I hung out with Michelle and this guy who I can only assume is her current love interest. I mentioned how I called Kat and it went straight to voicemail, and she told me that happens to her a lot too, so I shouldn’t take it personally. Evidently Kat is not a “phone person” whatsoever. If you don’t reply to texts and calls from one of your best friends, then I probably shouldn’t expect much more than that.

Someone finally moved into the empty apartment next door. Oddly enough, someone I know. Her name is Katy (how do I manage to meet all these girls with names that are only a few letters different???) and she comes into the art store a lot. She draws cartoons, her stuff is pretty cool. I haven’t met her roommate yet, who I don’t think has moved in, and who hasn’t bothered to get the electric turned on, so she’s been coming over to our place to charge her phone/laptop/make coffee, etc. Fun times.

And tonight is the much-anticipated Mark Kozelek concert. I’m currently cooking dinner and then about to head out. But before I do, here’s another silly drawing I somehow managed to find time to do…

 

 

So yeah, that’s about it for now. Off to finish dinner and then go to the concert, woohoo!

Busy busy busy…

Life has been crazy lately. Two jobs, two online classes, actively trying to get my artwork into galleries, three concerts in the span of a week, trying to get caught up on How I Met Your Mother before the new season starts, and still finding time to hang out with my neighbors…

Sleep pretty much hasn’t been an option. And I keep slacking on things I should do, like finish that commission I got forever ago. Or paint on the gigantic canvas and pieces of wood that have been in my living room for over a month. But instead, here I am doodling silly little pictures.

Like this one…..

 

 

 

So yeah… that happened. As a side note, I’m not at all Irish. But I am one-quarter clever on my mom’s side and one-eighth hilarious on my dad’s side. And now it’s time for bed…..

 

…..but I really don’t feel like it. I’ve felt rather blah today and I don’t want to dwell on things. So instead, how about a picture?

I got the idea to use my junk mail in a creative fashion, rather than just tossing it in the recycling bin. The other day I got something from the Romney campaign (why???) and something about a biblical prophecy seminar. I thought this gag was too good to pass up…..

 

Now if I can only think of something to do with all the rest of my junk mail…..

 

I was awoken last night by what I can only hope was a prank. Here’s a transcript of my text message conversation with an unknown number:

 

Mystery person: I’m not sure how to say this, but… I’m pregnant.

Me: Who is this?

MP: Who do you think it is? How many girls are you fucking?

Me: At the moment, none. I think you have the wrong number.

MP: Don’t be a jerk. You don’t have to be a part of his life but I want child support.

Me: I have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s been months since I was with anyone and I don’t know who you are. You have the wrong number and I’m trying to sleep, so please stop texting me.

 

So yeah. That happened. Like I said, I hope it’s a prank… because really, who the fuck tells their boyfriend they’re pregnant via text message? Shouldn’t that at the very least warrant an “I think we need to talk…” text? Has technology so ruined this generation that we announce major life-changing things with a few strokes of our iPhones? Please let this be a prank – the modern equivalent to “is your refrigerator running?” If not, I just don’t know what hope remains for our society. And I’m pretty sure either way, Siri is somehow behind this.

 

 

The other day while I was doing my Civic Duty (no, the other civic duty) I saw the most amazing campaign sign EVAR. I admit, I haven’t done my homework, and I don’t know a lot about Dan Forest. But in the event this election was about having the most awesome slogan, homeboy has my vote (and then some, if there’s any truth to this whole “voter fraud” thing I keep hearing about.)

 

 

And in the event that wasn’t enough awesome for your day, I got really bored. And you know what they say about bored guys with Photoshop. Well, I don’t actually know if they say anything. But they probably should. I mean seriously, look at this shit. Geez.

 

 

So yeah, that just happened.

 

The weirdest dream EVAR

So I had a really weird dream last night. No, I mean REALLY weird. It went a little something like this…..

Interior: My bedroom. Or, my bedroom circa turn-of-the-century when I was still living with my family. It was situated in my current apartment here in Asheville, and the decor was brought up to date, but I could tell from the size, shape, color of the walls, and the curious arrangement of my bookshelf and dresser that it was my old bedroom in my parents’ house.

Characters: Me (obviously,) a mysterious girl who was kinda like a combination of an ex of mine and a current friend, a dead hermit crab, and the star of the show, a pet who will henceforth be known as Tiny Spiderman.

The rising action: I’m talking to Combo Girl about everything and nothing, and while doing so I’m showing her my room. On shelf two of the bookcase there is a cage and a dead hermit crab. I muse over the reason for his death – I never actually fed him. Conversation turns to the top shelf, where I keep my pet Tiny Spiderman. He looks just like the real Spiderman, except tiny. Small enough to fit inside a medium-sized fish bowl. And, as I would later find out, rubbery.

The climax: We have no sat down on the bed and continued our conversation. We hear a strange noise. I stand up and look at Tiny Spiderman, who is bobbing up and down in the fish bowl, coming to the surface to blow a bubble and then submerging himself once again. To mock him I wait until he comes to the surface again and blow a gust of air in his direction. This evidently pisses him off, as he leaps out of the fishbowl, lands temporarily on my hand, and bites me.

The falling action: I jerk my hand away in pain and fend off Tiny Spiderman with the other hand, noticing the rubbery texture his miniature superhero skin has. I scream and ask Combo Girl if I should get the bite treated.

The resolution: She assures me that the bite will be fine, since it’s highly unlikely that I will turn into a Tiny Spiderman. We have a good, hearty laugh. Cue music and fade out.

Fin.

 

Better late than never…

So Santorum has pulled out of the race. (insert “pull out” joke here)

I’m a bit saddened that I didn’t discover this sooner, seeing as how 30 Rock is fast becoming one of my favorite TV shows, and, well, Santorum makes me giggle. I’m also a bit conflicted. I’m not sure if this is funny or scary, because a lot of these quotes actually sound like something he would say.

But I’m going to go with “funny,” just because I’d like to be able to sleep tonight.